For I Have Dined on the Finest of Little Sandwiches

Yes my bunnies, I have returned from the UK. Despite some issues with Virgin Atlantic, (who thought I was a woman named Alexandra Blankenhoff, and wanted to charge me an extra $200 to allow my penis on board) I'm back safe and sound from the UK.

The trip was a blast. I went to the Haagen Dazs in Leicester Square, I saw Shakespeare performed by the RSC, I touched art inappropriately at the Tate Modern, I swilled Laurent Perrier at The Savoy, I annoyed a pianist, I smuggled contraband through customs, I drank cider at the Clachan, and I had high tea. I did all this and so much more.

Photos and a full trip report will follow.

LM

There are times in a man's life...

There are times in a man's life when he must answer certain questions. These questions frequently begin with "Where were you on the night of" And if your lawyer is any good, he makes an offhand comment like "Boy it would sure be tough to prosecute you if you fled the country, wink, wink." (Good lawyers always add the "wink, wink")

So I'm fleeing the country to the UK for a couple of days. I always like to get back to the old country. If anyone needs me, I'll be swilling down Veuve Clicquot at the Cork and Bottle.

LM

Rage in a Jar

So I've noticed that my fellow writer has an interesting assortment of makeups and moisturizers on her desk. They all have wonderful and cheerful names like "Hope in a Jar" and "Amazing Grace" and "The Supernatural."

As always, I'm alert to the potential presence of cash, and I immediately sensed a money-making opportunity. I mean, if people are willing to shell out significant dollar amounts for this stuff, there's probably also a market out there for the product I'm developing. So I created a cosmetics company. It's called simply Manion. But it's pronounced with a French accent, because then I can charge more. Seriously. Who charges more, Mary Kay or Clinique? Yeah. So always pronounce it "Man-yon".

Anyway, I just got back from the garage, where I've developed our first product. I'm calling it "Vat Full of Hate".

My target audience will be 40-something divorcees. I once lived in a building inhabited almost exclusively by divorced older women and their cats. The ad campaign will be something like this

Camera zooms on older woman. She on a sofa, looking worn and haggard. A 3/4 empty bottle of cheap white zinfandel and a cat are on the coffee table before her. The only light comes from a TV projecting onto her face. A muted laugh track plays in the background.

*Voiceover* "Did he leave you for some twentysomething chew toy? Did he ruin your life? Did he take your best years and leave you with nothing? Could you fill a vat with the hate that you feel? Well we already have!

New from from the laboratories of Manion, Vat Full of Hate. Simply apply every night, and watch the years fade away."

The scene shifts. Instead we see the divorcee (now played by a replacement actress 19 years old.) as the ex-husband begs her to come back. she rejects him and sets his car on fire. As she walks away, she is approached by a smiling young stud with washboard abs. "Hi," he says, "I love older women."

Fade out to Manion logo and slogan "Manion - Hate is Beautiful"

Vat Full of Hate will be cheaper than the "Hope in a Jar" I will manage the savings by testing on puppies and baby seals. I'm not sure if it's cheaper testing it that way, but what the hell, you know?

The ingredients will be whatever I happen to have a lot of in the garage. Right now it's lithium grease, but whatever. I see some serious coin coming out of this bad boy. So place your orders now.

The Manion Laboratories (me) are already hard at work on the followup product - Tube Full of Vengeance.

LM

The most disgusting spam. Ever.

I just got the most disturbing spam ever. I'm not even sure how to deal with it. Those of you wanting to avoid the most disgusting mental images ever, should turn back. But you're not going to, are you? Of course not, you freaking perv.

Here you go, the actual text...

Always wanted to be like a superman: good-looking, courageous, fearless
with a huge and strong penis?
Are you ready for the new, extremely pleasant and irresistible adventures in bed?
Do you want to lose your head and wake up drowning in the ocean of your own sperm?
Do you want to innundate your neighbors with the amount of your sperm?
Then Spermamax! tabs are just for you.
Does your wife think that banana is harder than your penis?
Spermamax! tabs will make her change her mind.
You decided to put up with having no sex in your life.
Spermamax! tabs will change your decision.

So lets's put on some rubber gloves and start at the top, shall we?

Always wanted to be like a superman: good-looking, courageous, fearless with a huge and strong penis.

I'm not entirely sure how the fearless thing comes from a huge and strong penis. Unless it's bulletproof. And stylish. And prehensile. That would be pretty sweet. I mean, the comics never really tell you much about superman's wang. I could see him suprising the hell out of Lex Luthor with that thing.

Are you ready for the new, extremely pleasant and irresistible adventures in bed?

So far, not a problem. Sounds pretty good to me.

Do you want to lose your head and wake up drowning in the ocean of your own sperm?

And the answer here is "Dear lord no!" I mean, this is just beyond nasty. Seriously. If I ever wake up drowning in my own jizz, I'm going to eat a bullet.

Do you want to innundate your neighbors with the amount of your sperm?

And again, the answer is "Aw hell no!" Can you imagine the news reports? "Sperm freak destroys local neighborhood. Film at eleven. " And forever more you'd be the freaky spooge guy. I can't even begin to imagine explaining it to the neighbors. "Sorry man, me and the wife, you know, and one thing led to another, and you know how you wanted to redo your kitchen anyway..."

Then Spermamax! tabs are just for you.

I think I could do better with their slogans. How about these?

• Spermamax! - For when you want to spooge a small lake!
• Destroy nearby buildings with the awesome power of jizz!
• Spermamax! Make FEMA come when you do!

Does your wife think that banana is harder than your penis?

I like the opportunity for comparison here. I can follow my wife around with a banana and constantly ask for comparisons. "Is it harder now? Really? Well whose fault is that then?"

Spermamax! Tabs will make her change her mind.

Note, all they're saying is that you'll change her mind. Yeah, you'll really feel like a man when your wife is forced to agree that you're harder than a banana. And she still won't sleep with you.

You decided to put up with having no sex in your life.

Um. I did? Was this when I got wasted last week? 'Cause I don't remember signing anything.

Spermamax! tabs will change your decision.

They've certainly changed the way I view bananas and bodies of water.

LM

Unfamiliar Territory

So I woke up this morning in an unfamiliar bed. Whenever this happens, I have a backup plan.

1. Feign sleep
2. Count number of people in bed
3. Determine gender of any people in bed
4. Mentally replay events of previous evening
5. Locate clothes and/or nearest exits
6. Flee screaming

So this morning found me in a Marriot in Irvine, California. I felt kind of stupid when I realized I had fled naked and screaming from own hotel room, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Penetrode, it turns out, had decided that sending me to Tokyo was a bad idea. My attempt to
prepare for the trip by learning useful phrases in Japanese had created tension. Our Japanese business partners were apparently unnerved when I opened our conference calls by shouting "None can defeat my rabid monkey style!"

So instead I got shipped to Irvine. I'll let you know how it goes.

LM

Penetrode: The Movie Continues

So we've got a camera crew on site today. Marketing has decided to produce a brief film about the Penetrode experience. It's something to play on the plasma screens when they're at a trade show. I wouldn't know. They don't let me near the customers. I tell you, one incident of inappropriate humping, and they never let you forget it. I still want to know what that guy's cologne was.

In any event, ever since my feet starred in a movie with Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine (true story for another time), I've wanted to get back in front of the camera. But how? A breakdown in negotiations prevented me from having a major role. Clearly a more creative approach was called for.

I made it clear to the film crew that I was willing to do nude scenes if they were tasteful and artistic. Then I made it clear that I was even more willing to do nude work if it was sleazy and degrading.

The film crew indicated that there wouldn't be any nude work in this production, and that they'd really just like us to behave like it's a typical day at Penetrode. Apparently these shots were just to serve as background footage.

Now might be a good time to mention that I've been looking to increase my profile here at Penetrode. Sure, it's fun and games being a drone, but I'd much rather be a highly paid figurehead. So I've been reading a lot of those career advice books. I've been saving a few dollars by getting them at the local remaindered books store. My favorite is entitled "Jello Shots For Success". The premise is basically that you should get wasted before any major decision. That way you'll be loose and ready to deal with anything.

Fortunately, I was already wasted on a combination of coffee, tequila, and copy toner, so I was way ahead of the game.

Unfortunately, all of the backround footage was later deemed unusable. It seems that the film editors were unable to locate more than three seconds of film that did not include my naked and oiled form running into frame screaming "Penetrode rocks it Manion style! I got your data security right here!"

And apparently I owe them a lens. I don't want to go into why.

On the plus side, the production company has called me about a "special interest" film that they're working on.

LM

A Manion Christmas Miracle

Every year the Manion family has a Christmas miracle. It's impossible to know the time or nature of the miracle. We just know that one will happen. Last year it was "The Miracle of Saint Frank of the Wedge." In '03 it was "The Miracle of the Choir-Jacking." These miracles serve as proof to us that God loves better than everyone else.

This year was "The Miracle of the Scrotal Tick" Apparently God particularly loves my brother, Sonny Crocket. This year, on Christmas Day, he woke up and went to the bathroom. While taking care of business, he noted that there was a large tick, burrowed deep into Mr. Scrotum.


We were all awoken by the resulting high pitched scream of fear and rage.

"What's the miracle here?" you ask. Well, it's winter, and my brother hasn't been running around pantsless (that we know of). Obviously God put a tick on my brother's scrotum as this year's miracle. Where did the tick come from? How did it get there? Clearly the only answer is divine intervention.

The entire family quickly assembled to form a plan of action. We talked, as my brother rocked back and forth, gently weeping. For some reason, he violently rejected the lit cigarette method of tick removal. Eventually, my brother decided that he had to face this challenge alone, as a man.

He took a pair of tweezers and went into the bathroom. For many minutes, we could hear the sound of struggle. Eventually, he emerged, victorious and bloody, and strangely subdued. But the tick was gone. Which was good. If the tweezers had failed, Sonny was going to reach for an Xacto knife.

So that's my Christmas. I hope that your respective scrotums had happy and tick free holidays.

LM