The most disgusting spam. Ever.

I just got the most disturbing spam ever. I'm not even sure how to deal with it. Those of you wanting to avoid the most disgusting mental images ever, should turn back. But you're not going to, are you? Of course not, you freaking perv.

Here you go, the actual text...

Always wanted to be like a superman: good-looking, courageous, fearless
with a huge and strong penis?
Are you ready for the new, extremely pleasant and irresistible adventures in bed?
Do you want to lose your head and wake up drowning in the ocean of your own sperm?
Do you want to innundate your neighbors with the amount of your sperm?
Then Spermamax! tabs are just for you.
Does your wife think that banana is harder than your penis?
Spermamax! tabs will make her change her mind.
You decided to put up with having no sex in your life.
Spermamax! tabs will change your decision.

So lets's put on some rubber gloves and start at the top, shall we?

Always wanted to be like a superman: good-looking, courageous, fearless with a huge and strong penis.

I'm not entirely sure how the fearless thing comes from a huge and strong penis. Unless it's bulletproof. And stylish. And prehensile. That would be pretty sweet. I mean, the comics never really tell you much about superman's wang. I could see him suprising the hell out of Lex Luthor with that thing.

Are you ready for the new, extremely pleasant and irresistible adventures in bed?

So far, not a problem. Sounds pretty good to me.

Do you want to lose your head and wake up drowning in the ocean of your own sperm?

And the answer here is "Dear lord no!" I mean, this is just beyond nasty. Seriously. If I ever wake up drowning in my own jizz, I'm going to eat a bullet.

Do you want to innundate your neighbors with the amount of your sperm?

And again, the answer is "Aw hell no!" Can you imagine the news reports? "Sperm freak destroys local neighborhood. Film at eleven. " And forever more you'd be the freaky spooge guy. I can't even begin to imagine explaining it to the neighbors. "Sorry man, me and the wife, you know, and one thing led to another, and you know how you wanted to redo your kitchen anyway..."

Then Spermamax! tabs are just for you.

I think I could do better with their slogans. How about these?

• Spermamax! - For when you want to spooge a small lake!
• Destroy nearby buildings with the awesome power of jizz!
• Spermamax! Make FEMA come when you do!

Does your wife think that banana is harder than your penis?

I like the opportunity for comparison here. I can follow my wife around with a banana and constantly ask for comparisons. "Is it harder now? Really? Well whose fault is that then?"

Spermamax! Tabs will make her change her mind.

Note, all they're saying is that you'll change her mind. Yeah, you'll really feel like a man when your wife is forced to agree that you're harder than a banana. And she still won't sleep with you.

You decided to put up with having no sex in your life.

Um. I did? Was this when I got wasted last week? 'Cause I don't remember signing anything.

Spermamax! tabs will change your decision.

They've certainly changed the way I view bananas and bodies of water.

LM