Penetrode: The Movie
Marketing has decided to produce a brief film about the Penetrode experience. It's something
to play on the plasma screens when they're at trade shows. They want different people to speak briefly about their role in the company. Since they don't have any other writers, I've been nominated to represent the documentation process.
HR came around yesterday with releases for us to sign. The admin came to my cube and handed me the release. Our conversation went something like this:
HRA - Lance, we need you to sign this release so you can be in the company film.
LM - No problem. Just let me look that over.
LM reads the release
LM - Now, normally I let my people at William Morris handle this stuff, but I like this project. I think it's going to be big. Like Pulp Fiction big. It's got a real raw, indy feel. But I've got a few things I'd like to change.
HRA - Well, it's not really...
LM - (interrupting) Yeah, yeah, I hear you. First off, there's my trailer. I don't see a housing rider or anything here. This contract is really amateur hour. I mean there's not even a clause for ass work.
HRA - Uh... Ass work?
LM - Sweetheart. Baby. You're beautiful and I love you, but you know the Manion does his own ass work. I don't want to see any stunt ass in here.
HRA - The Manion?
LM - Damn straight, my little bubelah! Check out this ass! (drops trousers) America loves this ass! America can't get enough of this ass! Touch it! Feel it! This ass will make your movie. Did you see Shakespeare in Love?
HRA - Huh?
LM - This ass made that movie! This ass personally handed the Oscar to Gwyneth!
HRA - (looking away) It has hands? Wait. It was in Shakespeare in Love?
LM - Well, not in the movie. They hired it to just be around, inspiring the actors.
HRA - Ew.
LM - Listen. Hear me. Mr. and Mrs. Middle America love this ass. They fantasize about it. Put this ass in your movie and I guarantee you an Oscar.
HRA - Oh. Well, can your ass put its pants back on?
LM - Hey, this ass needs to breathe. It's star quality, baby. But let me just show you one more thing. Something to seal the deal.
HRA - Oh my god. Something's moving! I'm... I have to go. (runs away)
LM - Catch you later, babe! You bring that contract back with some edits and we'll do this. Caio!
And she left. And didn't come in this morning. Weird. I just hope this doesn't mean they're going try to cheap up on my trailer.
LM
to play on the plasma screens when they're at trade shows. They want different people to speak briefly about their role in the company. Since they don't have any other writers, I've been nominated to represent the documentation process.
HR came around yesterday with releases for us to sign. The admin came to my cube and handed me the release. Our conversation went something like this:
- Lance Manion - Archduke of Funky Town. With a smokin' ass.
- HR Admin - A young woman we recently hired. For some reason we go through a lot of HR people. They tend to quit right after meeting with me for some reason.
HRA - Lance, we need you to sign this release so you can be in the company film.
LM - No problem. Just let me look that over.
LM reads the release
LM - Now, normally I let my people at William Morris handle this stuff, but I like this project. I think it's going to be big. Like Pulp Fiction big. It's got a real raw, indy feel. But I've got a few things I'd like to change.
HRA - Well, it's not really...
LM - (interrupting) Yeah, yeah, I hear you. First off, there's my trailer. I don't see a housing rider or anything here. This contract is really amateur hour. I mean there's not even a clause for ass work.
HRA - Uh... Ass work?
LM - Sweetheart. Baby. You're beautiful and I love you, but you know the Manion does his own ass work. I don't want to see any stunt ass in here.
HRA - The Manion?
LM - Damn straight, my little bubelah! Check out this ass! (drops trousers) America loves this ass! America can't get enough of this ass! Touch it! Feel it! This ass will make your movie. Did you see Shakespeare in Love?
HRA - Huh?
LM - This ass made that movie! This ass personally handed the Oscar to Gwyneth!
HRA - (looking away) It has hands? Wait. It was in Shakespeare in Love?
LM - Well, not in the movie. They hired it to just be around, inspiring the actors.
HRA - Ew.
LM - Listen. Hear me. Mr. and Mrs. Middle America love this ass. They fantasize about it. Put this ass in your movie and I guarantee you an Oscar.
HRA - Oh. Well, can your ass put its pants back on?
LM - Hey, this ass needs to breathe. It's star quality, baby. But let me just show you one more thing. Something to seal the deal.
HRA - Oh my god. Something's moving! I'm... I have to go. (runs away)
LM - Catch you later, babe! You bring that contract back with some edits and we'll do this. Caio!
And she left. And didn't come in this morning. Weird. I just hope this doesn't mean they're going try to cheap up on my trailer.
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 11:41 AM
2 Comments:
Actually it's the monkey puppet that does the negotiating.
That said, if you need me to make some calls, just let me know. Are you will to do nude work, so long as it's artistically necessary as well as sleazy and illegal in most countries?
Beware or you and George Michael will have to ass duel to the death. If you do though, please sell tickets.
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