Justified Rage
Yes, finally, I have that sweetest of all things - justified rage. Normally, my rage is best described as random, or possibly senseless. That's because the targets of my vengeance haven't really done anything to deserve it. I mean, I usually invent a flimsy pretext, but the rage itself is pretty much just me running naked through the office wanging people with a sack full of pudding.
And I'm okay with that. Somebody has to be on the business end of the rage, and best it's not me, you know? But now, I've actually been wronged, and have the chance to exert rage with a purpose.
"What happened, Lance?" you ask. "Who was foolish enough to cross you, knowing the horrible, disgusting, and mostly-likely-flaming-bag-of-poo-based nature of your vengeance?"
And the answer is simple - Lex Armenia.
Lex and I knew each other in grad school. Lex and I played Quake together. That's a special bond, there. Lex came to my wedding to Mrs. Manion. That's not quite as important as the Quake thing, but still.
And Lex has stolen the name of my cat. And we're not talking about Sack of Garbage here. We're talking about our very own Small Amount of Cat. A kitten belonging to Mrs. Armenia (a charming woman I in no way hold responsible for Lex's clearly degenerate and criminal behavior) is appearing on DailyKitten.com and going by the name of Small Amount of Kat. And does the phrase "Small Amount of Cat is a registered trademark of Mercenary Words copyright 2005 all rights reserved" appear tattooed onto the kitty in no less than 16 point type?
No!
So I'm suing for a 20% cut of all of the cat's future income, one case of Fancy Feast BeefTasty cat food, and demanding that the cat be renamed to "Lance Manion Rocks You Like a Hurricane."
I'm expecting the BeefTasty to arrive in the mail shortly.
LM
And I'm okay with that. Somebody has to be on the business end of the rage, and best it's not me, you know? But now, I've actually been wronged, and have the chance to exert rage with a purpose.
"What happened, Lance?" you ask. "Who was foolish enough to cross you, knowing the horrible, disgusting, and mostly-likely-flaming-bag-of-poo-based nature of your vengeance?"
And the answer is simple - Lex Armenia.
Lex and I knew each other in grad school. Lex and I played Quake together. That's a special bond, there. Lex came to my wedding to Mrs. Manion. That's not quite as important as the Quake thing, but still.
And Lex has stolen the name of my cat. And we're not talking about Sack of Garbage here. We're talking about our very own Small Amount of Cat. A kitten belonging to Mrs. Armenia (a charming woman I in no way hold responsible for Lex's clearly degenerate and criminal behavior) is appearing on DailyKitten.com and going by the name of Small Amount of Kat. And does the phrase "Small Amount of Cat is a registered trademark of Mercenary Words copyright 2005 all rights reserved" appear tattooed onto the kitty in no less than 16 point type?
No!
So I'm suing for a 20% cut of all of the cat's future income, one case of Fancy Feast BeefTasty cat food, and demanding that the cat be renamed to "Lance Manion Rocks You Like a Hurricane."
I'm expecting the BeefTasty to arrive in the mail shortly.
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 2:34 PM
3 Comments:
The abject sweetness of the website that posted the Small Ammount of Cat picture is mindnumbing. I liken it to watching 48 hours of teletubbies episodes while strung out of your mind with a coctail of mescaline, acid, and 'shrooms (maybe a little ether thrown in for comic effect).
I'd beware lance, lest this "Lex" character begin taking over other aspects of your life. He doesn't have a job at penetrode, does he?
So, at which point will you be sending the box of poison spiders?
Did you specify in the suit that the case of cat food arrive with its original packaging intact?
If not, expect to receive a caseful of Rancid-Fishguts-In-A-Box(tm) post haste.
Cats are sneaky, you know.
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