American Manion

Mrs. Manion is deeply upset that Constantine has been voted off American Idol and suspects that the voting is rigged. Mrs. Manion has also requested that I mention the following "She is a highly intelligent and well educated woman. Her interest in American Idol should not be taken as an indication that she is into things teenybopperish. Especially not by her fellow instructors at MIT. (Really!)"

With that out of the way, I'm going to be proposing my own show, based not-even-a-little on American Idol. We'll call it Manion Idol. In it, a select group of young men and women will attempt to demonstrate that they are really cool and should be allowed to hang out with me.
Manion Idol will consist of an 7 week program that will showcase the various traits and talents that I look for in a new buddy. Judging will be handled by me (Lance Manion), Mrs. Manion, and the monkey puppet. The monkey puppet will handle harsh criticisms that I am not comfortable giving.

After each week, the contenstant who does the worst will be fed to Sack of Garbage and Small Amount of Cat.

Week 1. Drinking Games
Contestants will engage in a three day bender involving the games Quarters, Three Man, Beer Die, and the Spring Break classic, "Chugging tequila until you puke." Winners will be judged on the total amount of alcohol consumed. Remember people, it's not how much you drink before you hurl, it's how much you drink after you hurl.

Week 2. Dick Jokes
Contestants will tell a variety of dick jokes. Winners will be judged on the quantity and quality of jokes told. The gold standard for dick jokes will be the following: "My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And my dick's dick is bigger than your dick."

Week 3. Who's l33t?
Contestants will play a variety of single and multiplayer video games. Winners will be chosen based on style, skill, and overall ability to 0wnz3r their opponents.

Week 4. Who Wants it the Most?
Contestants will demonstrate who is really willing to go that "extra mile" to win. Creativity, teamwork, and lingerie are encouraged. Male contestants are advised to skip the lingerie and go straight to a car dealership. If it doesn't have 200+ horses, don't bother. Winners will be chosen based on their ability to involve Mrs. Manion in the judging process.

Week 5. Nut Punching
Contestants will be punched repeatedly in the groin by the monkey puppet. I didn't really want this section, but the monkey puppet is insisting. Winners will be chosen based on a "last man standing" system.

Week 6. Taking the Fall
Contestants will be invited to join me on a multi-state crime spree. Winners will be chosen based on their ability to convince state and federal officials that it was all "their idea," and that I was an innocent hostage.

Week 7. Irish Drinking Songs
Contestants will perform a series of traditional Irish drinking songs, accompanied with traditional Irish drinks in the following manner.

1. "Wild Rover" & Guinness
2. "Irish Rover" & Jameson's Irish Whiskey"
3. "All for Me Grog" & Harp
4. "Wild Colonial Boy" & McCaffreys
5. "Danny Boy" & all of the above

Winnners will be chosen based on the ability to become maudlin and weepy while performing Danny Boy. Bonus points for complaining about "The Troubles".

I'm getting ready to pitch my idea to the networks. I think this could be big. Like, Survivor big. I'm already accepting applications for contestants!

LM