An Office Ninja Gets Promoted

So you may remember that I was recently fired from Penetrode for my bold new ideas involving diseased ticks. Well, being fired may sit fine with some people, but not with me. And certainly not with an Office Ninja.

The challenge as I saw I was getting the termination paperwork from the VP of HR before it could be processed. But the VP was on vacation, and his office was locked. Lance Manion simply isn't equipped for this kind of skullduggery. But an Office Ninja is. Oh yes.

There's a small air vent that runs above all of the executive offices. I could get in, and slither over the heads of the execs, dropping down in the VP's office. I knew it would be a tight fit, so I went down to the cafeteria salad bar and took off my clothes. I surveyed my choice of lubricants. I thought about the thousand island dressing, but eventually went with a basic viniagrette. I thought the orange dressing might look silly.

So once I lubed up, I snuck over to the air vent. It's a narrow opening only about 2 inches by 8 inches. Even with the lubricant, the Office Ninja was having serious space issues. After ten minutes of serious effort, I had managed to get half an arm into the vent.

To make things more awkward, I was in office's main hallway, and Bob, the QA manager stopped by. "So, uh, Manion," he asked, "You uh, seem to be, um, naked and oiled on the floor of the hallway."

"Yeah, Bob. Seems to be the case." I replied.

"Any particular reason?" Bob asked.

"Lost my keys." I answered.

"Oh." he said. "After a lengthy pause, Bob started up again. "My wife, and I, we sometimes get together with other like-minded couples for, um, some sort of experimental lifestyle choices...."

"Really, Bob. How's that working out for you?"

"Pretty well, pretty well. Um, do you think that you and Mrs. Manion might be interested in joining us at some point?"

"Not really, Bob, but thanks for asking. I'm just going to keep looking for my keys now."

"Sounds good, Manion. Good luck with that." And Bob left. Still, I knew that my vent plan just wasn't working out, so I extricated myself, and retreated to the cafeteria to get some lunch and think about a plan B. Also, my clothes were still in a pile by the salad bar.

So I got my clothes and just used a wrecking bar to force the door open. A quick search turned up the notice of termination. I post it here for you to see the kind of place Penetrode is.

Employee Name - Lance Manion
Reason for Termination - We at Penetrode have made a significant effort to integrate Mr. Manion into our organization. Unfortunately, his obsession with "rage" and his tendency to run naked through the office has had a detrimental effect on our organization. Despite repeated warnings, we find it necessary to terminate Mr. Manion's employment at Penetrode.

I immediately ate the notice. I did this for two reasons. One - it quickly and permanently destroyed the evidence. And two - I've been trying to get more fiber. And then I had a moment of inspiration. The rest of HR would still be expecting some sort of notice or direction. So why not replace the termination with something a little better? So I got a blank sheet of paper and wrote of the following notice of promotion and put it in his outgoing mail box.

By using what is possibly the girliest font in existance, I guarantee that the VP will simply deep six the note rather than carry it around.

And the plan appears to have worked, as I've been promoted to Documentation Manager. I can just imagine the look on the VP's face when he gets back from vacation!

LM