Punishable by Death!
Sorry I've been quiet lately. I've been kind of busy writing training for our customers. It's a little nervewracking when the training is going on as you're writing it. I try always to stay at least two slides ahead.
Interestingly, the biggest complaint the customers had about the training was the little quizzes that I wrote at the end of each day's workbook. Apparently the customers felt that the quizzes were unnecessary. Now that we're doing a post mortem on the training, we're trying to decide how to improve things (and sell more training).
Initially, Marketing wanted to just cut the quizzes. Instead, I suggested that we find a way to incent the customers to take the quiz. After all, processing and reusing the information is the best way to make sure that the customers retain that information.
Marketing suggested that we offer prizes, like pens or T-shirts for the high scorers. I thought that idea was good, but that something more grandiose might work better. They asked for ideas. I suggested that we make failing the quiz punishable by death. Marketing felt that death might cut down on repeat business. I suppose they had a point there. I then suggested that instead we make only the lowest score in the class punishable by death.
Marketing pointed out that the T-shirt thing was less likely to involve legal repercussions. I suggested that Marketing fellate a goat, because dammit, all the Fortune 500 companies punish quiz failure by death. I drew a chart, using my toes and many crayons, that demonstrated this claim. "Can we afford not to punish our customers with death?" I asked.
Marketing made it clear that they felt that death really wasn't at all a good incentive in any customer facing capacity, and that despite my chart, they did not believe that this was accepted practice among Fortune 500 companies. They were willing to believe however, that I was mentally ill.
Fortunately, it turns out that accusing me of being mentally ill is punishable - not by death though. Instead it's punishable by me doing something unspeakably disgusting in the VP of Marketing's credenza. Yeah. It should be punishable by death, though.
LM
Interestingly, the biggest complaint the customers had about the training was the little quizzes that I wrote at the end of each day's workbook. Apparently the customers felt that the quizzes were unnecessary. Now that we're doing a post mortem on the training, we're trying to decide how to improve things (and sell more training).
Initially, Marketing wanted to just cut the quizzes. Instead, I suggested that we find a way to incent the customers to take the quiz. After all, processing and reusing the information is the best way to make sure that the customers retain that information.
Marketing suggested that we offer prizes, like pens or T-shirts for the high scorers. I thought that idea was good, but that something more grandiose might work better. They asked for ideas. I suggested that we make failing the quiz punishable by death. Marketing felt that death might cut down on repeat business. I suppose they had a point there. I then suggested that instead we make only the lowest score in the class punishable by death.
Marketing pointed out that the T-shirt thing was less likely to involve legal repercussions. I suggested that Marketing fellate a goat, because dammit, all the Fortune 500 companies punish quiz failure by death. I drew a chart, using my toes and many crayons, that demonstrated this claim. "Can we afford not to punish our customers with death?" I asked.
Marketing made it clear that they felt that death really wasn't at all a good incentive in any customer facing capacity, and that despite my chart, they did not believe that this was accepted practice among Fortune 500 companies. They were willing to believe however, that I was mentally ill.Fortunately, it turns out that accusing me of being mentally ill is punishable - not by death though. Instead it's punishable by me doing something unspeakably disgusting in the VP of Marketing's credenza. Yeah. It should be punishable by death, though.
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 2:09 PM
5 Comments:
Did this thing you inflicted upon the VP's credenza involve your special ninja outfit?
You should have it written into your next contract that any accusations of mental illness can be punishable by death.
I adore people with dexterous toes.
You scared people -- Marketing and customers alike -- by making them think.
Rock on with your toe-charts and quizzes, I say.
How about green Nickelodeon goop? Not fatal, but amazingly humiliating.
If that's too twee, there's always tazers.
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