Vitor and the Children Part 2 - The Word of Vitor

So we were cold, poor, and hungry, trapped in the Sneath Pit at the height of the holiday season. There's a lot to be said for a traditional Dickens Christmas in London. Such as, it sucks when an outrageous splurge is Pizza Hut with cubic spicy meat topping.

And as we explored our home sweet flophouse, we found a book. Contrary to your expectation, this book was not the Bible, Talmud, or Koran. The previous denizens were not exactly religious people. No, the book was "Fortune's Fool" by Angela Wells, and published by Harlequin.

I reached into a dusty cabinet and pulled out the book. The cover of the slim volume was obscured by dust. As I brushed the dust away, I saw the cover art. An attractive young woman on horseback, with her tall-dark-and-handsome beau.

The book spoke to me. It said, "You are lost. I am the way. Also, if you're desperate enough, I might have some racy passages."

The back of the book promised the following "Ria had been joyously en route to the grand villa of her elderly guardian, the man who had rescued her from the slums of Sao Paolo and paid for her convent upbringing. Moments later Ria was staring into the ruggedly handsome face of her abductor, bracing herself for his ransom demands, demands that would surely seal her fate.
His words were chilling. "You're not to be ransomed," he said."I mean to marry you -- by this evening..."

Her abductor turned out to be none other than Vitor, a socially conscious lawyer with a penchant for kidnapping and seduction, and the sexual stamina of a dozen priapic lumberjacks. I knew then that I must follow the way of Vitor. That I must model myself upon him. And more importantly, that I must share the way of Vitor with others. For Vitor did sayeth unto me, "The people of the slums, they live the in pits of poverty. Your fiance, Eduardo, keeps them there. I fight every day to set them free, Ria. And set them free, I shall!"

And I thought, I live in a pit! And poverty sucks! And I don't want to marry some guy named Eduardo! Vitor will free me! So I brought the book before my roommates and told them of the way of Vitor. And they asked, "But how do we know that the way is true?"

So I flipped to another page, and read at random - "Vitor’s gaze was on her back and she couldn’t help reacting, feeling her body tingle. Why did he have to be so charming…so handsome? She wanted to mop his face with that hideous salsa."

To be perfectly honest, none of us were really sure how relevant that message was. Fortunately, we'd been drinking and were prepared to follow just about anything at that point.

So we pulled out our pens and paper and assembled with Way of Vitor. As Ways go, it's pretty easy to follow, with only a few major commandments.

1. Thou shalt not tell people what to do -
Vitor, chapter 3, verse 14 "Inside, they sat at a table, Ria with her back to a wall. Her evening bag in her lap, her hand inside it gripping her gun, she leveled a look at Vitor. “First, don’t ever tell me what to do. I’m responsible for what I do, and what I do will always be my choice. Not yours.”

2. Thou shalt honor the dead by grunting -
Vitor, chapter 6, verse 1 "Fear flickered through his eyes. Surprise chased it. “I hope so,” he said, though his expression seemed out of sync with his tone. “My girls need to know what happened to their mother. I need to know what happened to my wife.” He grunted.

3. The horniest among you shall become Nuns of Vitor -
Vitor, chapter 4, verse 9 "He hadn’t expected to find a houseful of ladies staring at him Several gave him an appreciative appraisal as he entered, but he only focused on Ria. She stood in the kitchen, hands on her hips. They were soft and curvy hips, too."

4. Whenever possible, thou shalt be naked -
Vitor, chapter 12, verse 3 "Vitor put a hand on her shoulder, startling her before she could turn away. “Hey, you look great. Now take off those clothes.”

5. Blessed are the truck theives, for they shall receive unlimited airtime minutes -
Vitor, chapter 2, verse 2 "“I stole a truck,” Ria said. “I’m heading home. I — I’m groggy as hell from the drugs, but I think I’m okay. And I'm keeping that jerk's phone.”

And so now we follow the Way of Vitor. Spread the word. Services are held in the behind cement mixers, for such is the Way of Vitor - "Ria rounded the corner, and saw Vitor, prone beneath the chute, concrete splashing onto his chest."

LM