Lance Manion, a Catholic Girls School, and a Cup of Cottage Cheese
I'm kind of tired today, so rather than exercise my creativity gland, or whatever body part is responsible for that sort of thing, I'm going to tell you yet another true story from the Manion Files. Hey, it beats writing software documentation.
Before we were married, Mrs. Manion used to teach at Emmanuel College in Boston. Emmanuel is a women only Catholic school specializing in women from developing nations who are the first in their families to attend college. Not that this is particularly relevant, I just like exposition.
So one day, I went to visit Mrs. Manion while she was tutoring. I hadn't had lunch that day, so I was very hungry. It turned out that Mrs. Manion had a left over individual cottage cheese unit that she hadn't eaten. She offered it to me. The cottage cheese in question appears below:
So I said, "Sure, I'll have the cottage cheese." Unfortunately, I was in a library. I thought to myself, "Lance, you can't eat the cottage cheese here. Not in public. Not in the middle of a library. It's icky."
I looked around for a moment. "You know Lance," I thought, "this is an all girl's school. You're the only guy you can see. It's not like there's anyone is in the mens room. And it's probably sparklingly clean from lack of use. Why not just go there, inhale the cottage cheese and get moving?"
Like most of my plans, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I headed into the mens room. And it was clean and quiet. Then I realized that I had no utensils. Ever the problem solver, I washed my hands and opened the container. I used my fingers to hork down the cottage cheese as quickly as possible.
It was then that a male professor walked in.
It was then that I stood in the middle of the mens room at a catholic girls school with cottage cheese on my hands and face.
Now you're probably asking, "Wow, Lance! You looked like a serious freak! Is there any possible way that you talked your way out of this?"
And the answer is no, there was no graceful way out. So instead, I screamed like a little girl, flung the cottage cheese at the professor, and threw myself out the window. If you're going to be freaky, you might as well go all the way.
Sadly, Mrs. Manion's contract was not renewed after that year. I'm almost positive that I had nothing to do with that.
LM
Before we were married, Mrs. Manion used to teach at Emmanuel College in Boston. Emmanuel is a women only Catholic school specializing in women from developing nations who are the first in their families to attend college. Not that this is particularly relevant, I just like exposition.
So one day, I went to visit Mrs. Manion while she was tutoring. I hadn't had lunch that day, so I was very hungry. It turned out that Mrs. Manion had a left over individual cottage cheese unit that she hadn't eaten. She offered it to me. The cottage cheese in question appears below:
So I said, "Sure, I'll have the cottage cheese." Unfortunately, I was in a library. I thought to myself, "Lance, you can't eat the cottage cheese here. Not in public. Not in the middle of a library. It's icky."
I looked around for a moment. "You know Lance," I thought, "this is an all girl's school. You're the only guy you can see. It's not like there's anyone is in the mens room. And it's probably sparklingly clean from lack of use. Why not just go there, inhale the cottage cheese and get moving?"
Like most of my plans, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I headed into the mens room. And it was clean and quiet. Then I realized that I had no utensils. Ever the problem solver, I washed my hands and opened the container. I used my fingers to hork down the cottage cheese as quickly as possible.
It was then that a male professor walked in.
It was then that I stood in the middle of the mens room at a catholic girls school with cottage cheese on my hands and face.
Now you're probably asking, "Wow, Lance! You looked like a serious freak! Is there any possible way that you talked your way out of this?"
And the answer is no, there was no graceful way out. So instead, I screamed like a little girl, flung the cottage cheese at the professor, and threw myself out the window. If you're going to be freaky, you might as well go all the way.
Sadly, Mrs. Manion's contract was not renewed after that year. I'm almost positive that I had nothing to do with that.
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 3:42 PM
5 Comments:
As the late Dr. Thompson was fond of pointing out..."Anything worth doing, is worth doing right, right?"
One wonders how he would have handled a similar situation.
In retrospect, I do regret now killing the professor and hiding his body. The good ideas always come after you've thrown yourself out a window.
Stall.
Noun or verb, either way would've solved it.
You know, Ari, I had considered going into a stall, but being that close to the toilet while consuming the cottage cheese kind of skeeved, me you know?
Once I was busted, I don't see how saying "Gimmee a minute while I think of a reasonable explanation." would have pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
Yeah, alright. I feel you on those 2 points. My bad.
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