Driving Songs

So I cruised into work doing about 80 this morning. Part of it is due to Grand Theft Auto. It puts you into that "breakin' the law" frame of mind. And part of it is due to the music I was listening to. As a public service, I'm listing the top 5 driving songs of all time.

Now before you go off and burn a CD to listen to these all at once, remember two things: Cops can't ticket you if they can't catch you, and if light is bending around your car, you're going too fast.

Okay, here we go:

5. Synchronicity II, The Police - With that creepy siren in the beginning, and a lyric about humiliating kicks in the crotch (And I promise, that's the last groin reference for at least a month), this song grabs you by the stick shift and doesn't let go.


4. Volcano Girls, Veruca Salt - Veruca Salt was great. Two girls, Nina Gordon (the talented song writer) and Louise Post (who rocked so hard you thought her head would explode). Unfortunately, Nina slept with the Louise's boyfriend, and it all went to hell. Nonetheless, we're left with one of the great chick rock songs of all time. They're pissed off and they don't care if the world knows it.


3. When She Begins, Social Distortion - From the initial guitar slide, to the final arhythmic (no, I don't know if that's spelled correctly, and I'm not going to to look it up. Rock and roll, man!) drum beats, this is just a song about a guy "hanging with a couple of chicks, man just looking for kicks..." If you're not doing ninety by the end of the song, Barry Manilow has already claimed your soul.


2. All Revved Up With No Place to Go, Meat Loaf - "I was nothing but a lonely all american boy, looking for something to do. And you were nothing but a lonely all american girl, but you were something like a dream come true... All revved up and no place to go!" 'Nuff said.


1. Miami 2017, Billy Joel - Now I know you're saying, "But Lance, Billy Joel? The former Mr. Christie Brinkley? The guy who wrote Don't Go Changing to Try and Please Me? Didn't you once say that song should actually be titled Why the Hell Arent't You Changing into Someone Who Gets Me a Beer?" Okay, so Billy got real wussy real fast. But that doesn't change the fact that early in his career he wrote the greatest song ever. And that song is Miami 2017. It's a rocking little ditty about post apoclyptic New York. As in "...the flames were everywhere, but no one really cared, they'd always burned up there before."

If, while driving, you listen to all five of these songs in sequence, all they will ever find of your car is flaming tire tracks, like in Back to the Future. It's actually against the law in most states for radio stations to play these songs back to back. That's why most commercial radio sucks.

So there you go. The best driving songs of all time. What most blogs would do now is say something like "Hey! Write back with your favorite driving songs! It's a meme or something stupid!"

But this is Mercenary Words, and we do things a little differently here. Instead, I'm going to say the following:

This list is final and legally binding. If your list is different, it is wrong and bad and you hate America.

LM