The Three Piece Poo Suit and the Malaysian Goat Maneuver
I'm pretty zonked. Here at Penetrode Inc., we've been trying to get our software out the door for a few days now. The problem is the QA department keeps finding major bugs. I've repeatedly suggested firing the QA department as a solution, but no one's taken me up on it. And now the QA department is acting all surly towards me.
Software releases are weird things. Everyone wants it over with, but no one wants to declare things done just in case it turns out that 10 minutes later the product blows up and that person gets fitted for a three piece poo suit.
What's a poo suit? you ask. Well draw up a chair and get ready to learn some stuff they don't teach you at business school. That's us at Mercenary Words. Clown sex and career management tips.
That's us at Mercenary Words. Clown sex and career management tips.
There is such a thing as a poo suit. It's not a real suit made of real poo. At least not at any place I've ever worked. (If a real one exists at your place of employment, get your resume out there pronto) It's the business equivalent of a dunce cap. After you've screwed up, you get to wear the poo suit. Somebody is always wearing it. The important thing is that the wearer be someone other than you.
Once you've been poo suited, you remain poo suited until someone else screws up sufficiently to take over wearing the suit. One interesting corrolary is that managers who probably should be wearing the suit often put it on one of their minions.
So this is running long. I ramble when I'm tired. You're probably saying, "Lance, I'm a corporate minion. My manager makes Inspector Clouseau look like Sherlock Holmes. How do I avoid the poo suit?"
The answer is simple. I call it the Malaysian Goat Maneuver. You have to plan ahead, but it's well worth the peace of mind, knowing that you have a get out of poo free card.
As soon as you have the chance, go out and get yourself some porn. (Come to think of it, this is always good advice) Anyway, get some really nasty stuff. Personally, I favor Malaysian Goat porn, but whatever works for you. Some people like Japanese Tentacle porn. And there's always Brazilian Toad porn. Make sure that you put this porn in somebody's office. Preferrably someone you don't like, because even if this person would really enjoy the gift of Brazilian Toad porn, you're not doing them any favors.
Make sure that wherever you stash the Toad porn is a place where it's not likely to be found by the office occupant, but someplace where you could conceivably have seen the person put it.
Then, when the poo suit is headed for you, perform the Malaysian Goat maneuver.
Take this incident from last week, when I was called into the HR office. Again.
Penetrode HR - "Lance, we're a little alarmed about the documentation for Penetrode Enterprise version 5. You've worked on it for six months. We release in twenty minutes, and you've written a total of 3 pages of documentation. And two of those pages are lists of cheats for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas."
LM - "Yeah, it's been really difficult since..." *chokes up*
HR - "Since what?"
LM - "Well since I saw the Manager of QA watching Australian Koala Bondage porn in his office. It's just been really distressing. I didn't want to say anything."
HR - "I see. That's quite interesting."
LM - "I thought you'd think so. *sniffle* It's above the third ceiling tile to the left of the entryway."
HR - "I see. It's especially interesting given that this would be the fourth QA manager to have hidden pornography in the ceiling tiles. We had "Bruce dips Sheila the Sheep, followed by "Weasel Salsa Muy Caliente, and then something so nasty that our DVD player just dissolved into slime."
LM - "Truly, I share your disgust." *dabs eyes with tissue*
HR - "We're beginning to think that you might actually have something to do with this."
LM - "I'm deeply, deeply hurt by that accusation. But I suppose I shouldn't expect much from a man who would conceal Siberian Elk Orgy footage under his file cabinet."
HR - "What are you talking about? I don't..."
And at that point, a bunch of goons from the head office came bursting in and arrested him. As well they should. That was some seriously freaky stuff.
Watch and learn, people. Watch and learn...
LM
Software releases are weird things. Everyone wants it over with, but no one wants to declare things done just in case it turns out that 10 minutes later the product blows up and that person gets fitted for a three piece poo suit.
What's a poo suit? you ask. Well draw up a chair and get ready to learn some stuff they don't teach you at business school. That's us at Mercenary Words. Clown sex and career management tips.
That's us at Mercenary Words. Clown sex and career management tips.
There is such a thing as a poo suit. It's not a real suit made of real poo. At least not at any place I've ever worked. (If a real one exists at your place of employment, get your resume out there pronto) It's the business equivalent of a dunce cap. After you've screwed up, you get to wear the poo suit. Somebody is always wearing it. The important thing is that the wearer be someone other than you.
Once you've been poo suited, you remain poo suited until someone else screws up sufficiently to take over wearing the suit. One interesting corrolary is that managers who probably should be wearing the suit often put it on one of their minions.
So this is running long. I ramble when I'm tired. You're probably saying, "Lance, I'm a corporate minion. My manager makes Inspector Clouseau look like Sherlock Holmes. How do I avoid the poo suit?"
The answer is simple. I call it the Malaysian Goat Maneuver. You have to plan ahead, but it's well worth the peace of mind, knowing that you have a get out of poo free card.
As soon as you have the chance, go out and get yourself some porn. (Come to think of it, this is always good advice) Anyway, get some really nasty stuff. Personally, I favor Malaysian Goat porn, but whatever works for you. Some people like Japanese Tentacle porn. And there's always Brazilian Toad porn. Make sure that you put this porn in somebody's office. Preferrably someone you don't like, because even if this person would really enjoy the gift of Brazilian Toad porn, you're not doing them any favors.
Make sure that wherever you stash the Toad porn is a place where it's not likely to be found by the office occupant, but someplace where you could conceivably have seen the person put it.
Then, when the poo suit is headed for you, perform the Malaysian Goat maneuver.
Take this incident from last week, when I was called into the HR office. Again.
Penetrode HR - "Lance, we're a little alarmed about the documentation for Penetrode Enterprise version 5. You've worked on it for six months. We release in twenty minutes, and you've written a total of 3 pages of documentation. And two of those pages are lists of cheats for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas."
LM - "Yeah, it's been really difficult since..." *chokes up*
HR - "Since what?"
LM - "Well since I saw the Manager of QA watching Australian Koala Bondage porn in his office. It's just been really distressing. I didn't want to say anything."
HR - "I see. That's quite interesting."
LM - "I thought you'd think so. *sniffle* It's above the third ceiling tile to the left of the entryway."
HR - "I see. It's especially interesting given that this would be the fourth QA manager to have hidden pornography in the ceiling tiles. We had "Bruce dips Sheila the Sheep, followed by "Weasel Salsa Muy Caliente, and then something so nasty that our DVD player just dissolved into slime."
LM - "Truly, I share your disgust." *dabs eyes with tissue*
HR - "We're beginning to think that you might actually have something to do with this."
LM - "I'm deeply, deeply hurt by that accusation. But I suppose I shouldn't expect much from a man who would conceal Siberian Elk Orgy footage under his file cabinet."
HR - "What are you talking about? I don't..."
And at that point, a bunch of goons from the head office came bursting in and arrested him. As well they should. That was some seriously freaky stuff.
Watch and learn, people. Watch and learn...
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 9:24 AM
7 Comments:
Now THAT is a powerful morality play for our time.
The Malaysian Goat Maneuver would be especially funny for my husband to try at work. (He's in the Air Force.)
Hilarity enuses.
Ari - People are often talking about how moral I am. Usually it's in the context of such things as snakes and rats, but hey, at least they're talking about how moral I am.
Sara - Having grown up on an extensive assortment of USAF bases, I can tell you, the Malaysian Goat Maneuver would be HUGE. Definitely.
And don't forget there's always time to use your handy Office Ninja to plant Fillipino Incestual Monkey Gangbang (with extra fecal flinging footage) where it can be most incriminating. I'm thinking your QA folks might enjoy not knowing about it where abouts.
Pardon my screaming, but
YOU HAVE BEEN LINKED! :)
Also, fyi, I am already circulating the "poo suit" concept among my friends. Turns out it applies in any industry.
I can sympathise 100% with the paranoia surrounding software releases, though in this case I am the QA department.
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