Dougie and the Mixed Nuts - The Adventure Begins

Once upon a time, when I college, I went abroad to study theater in London. One of my roommates at the time was the beautiful yet deadly Amandarama. She can vouch for the accuracy of the tale you are about to read.

In an effort to show us some of the British countryside, the college sent us all on an overnight trip to Stratford-Upon-Avon. We stayed in a hostel just outside town. All the guys were in one room, and all the girls in another. Now might be a good time to introduce the cast of characters.

Four football players, AKA The Football Quad - Names are kind of unimportant. They were basically four of the same guy, members of the underground Lambda Chi Alpha frat, and only on the theater program because all the other study abroad programs involved languages other than English.

Rob - One of my other roommates. Another theater major, who for reasons unknown, always traveled with a jar of vaseline.

Me - Your host, Lance Manion. Intelligent, sexy, debonair...

Dougie - Short, pudgy, bisexual, and so hairy that he would get stuck in pool filters.

Amandarama - Not really involved in the story, but would be hurt if I didn't include her in the cast of characters.

So we're collectively stranded in Stratford Upon Avon, UK. Stratford, home to William Shakespeare, is not a happening place after dark. So we split into our collective groups and got into some serious pubbing. My friends and I were pretty light duty about it. We'd had a hard couple of days before and took it easy. Dougie and the football quad took the other approach, and pounded hard. They were blasted out of their collective minds by the time they got back to the hostel.

So Rob and I are sitting in this room full of wasted guys. There's nothing left to do but go to sleep. Or is there?

One of them drops his boxers, grabs his scrotum and start screaming "Mixed nuts, Dougie! Mixed nuts! Put 'em in ya mouth!"

Apparently throughout the evening the football players have been asking Dougie what he would charge for various sex acts. In case you're curious, here are the prices:

• Hand job - 40
• Oral - 80
• Playing "Stuff the Dougie" - 200

At first everything seems okay. A little weird, but okay. Rob and I are a little unnerved, but figure, "Hey, at least they're not looking at us."

Haggling ensues. Dougie refuses to budge on his price points. He drives a hard bargain, that Dougie.

Eventually, a football player notices a pool cue in the corner of the room. Not expecting a serious response he asks "How much?" At this point, me and Rob are becoming concerned. Suddenly it dawns on everyone in the room (except Dougie, who already knew) that Dougie is willing to sodomize himself with sporting goods in exchange for cash. As Shakespeare once said, "What brave new world is this that has such creatures in it?"

Dougie raises the following questions:

• Wide end or skinny end?
• Lubed or dry?

Fortunately, Rob brought a jar of vaseline, which he contributed to the effort. When asked later why he volunteered the vaseline, Rob had this to say:

"If it all went to hell and we ended up getting buttfucked by a bunch of football players, I wanted them to at least be lubed."

To this day, I appreciate that Rob took the long view there, and I try to live my life by these words.

After further haggling, Dougie agreed to either three inches of the wide end, or five inches of the skinny end for 60 pounds. Of course, this was the lubed price - dry was 20 pounds extra. The football players assembled the requisite sixty pounds and a jar of vaseline. A deal was struck.

It was about this point that Rob and I decided that it was time to start knotting the sheets together for out escape. My luggage be damned, I didn't want some football player deciding that Dougie wasn't enough.

Coming soon, Dougie Part 2, "Provocative Photos"