Job Hunting the Manion Way

I was inspired to write this by the ever Beck-like Roundelay. According to the dictionary, a Roundelay is "A poem or song with a regularly recurring refrain." Ya learn something new every day. Congrats on your regularity, Roundelay.

As most of our readers will likely be job searching at some point or other, feel free to clip and save these little gems of wisdom. Now some of these are software specific. That's where I work and what I know. But feel free to try to apply them to wherever you're going.

Resume Tips

Remember, your resume is your introduction to your potential new employer. Make sure it's a positive impression.

• These days everything is electronic. Just know that whatever format you choose to send in, you're going to annoy them. Seriously. I've send in everything from text, doc, rtf, pdf, and some really obscure formats. No matter what you send, they'll ask you to try again.
• When possible, attach a virus - employers love it when you test their defenses.
• List every piece of software you've ever heard of - you can fake it until you learn it. If they question your initial clumisness, tell them you used a different version.

Interview Tips

Okay, your resume got you in. Now you've got to convince them that you're worth the outrageous sums of money you're going to demand.

• Be hungover - A good hangover gives you that added gravitas and ensures that your answers will be brief. Don't go overboard, though. Spewing on your interviewer is hard to recover from. I learned that lesson the hard way.
• If you have time, trigger a security lockdown - I did this for Pfizer, once. It was shortly after they took away my badge, that they realized I was wandering around unescorted in an area full of potentially lethal pathogens. It was a hoot and we all had a good laugh later. Plus they hired me! Really!
• Leave some quirky items on your resume - Me, I leave on the gig I had blowing up cars for movies. If they think it's interesting and cool, then we're on the same page. If they think it's inappropriate to leave that on a resume for an unrelated gig, I go outside and blow up their cars. Then we talk some more about who decides what's inappropriate.
• Be sure to ask their policy about workplace intoxication - in the interview you should laugh this question off, but still get an answer. You'll need it later.
• Bring extra resumes to the interview - Use them to demonstrate your paper airplane skillz.

Followup Tips

The interview's done. You think it went well. Here's how you seal the deal and get that happy phone call.

• Thank you note - Make sure to remember everyone's name. Even as a professional writer, I have a hard time fudging the whole, "Thanks to Sarah, Luis, and that twitchy little guy who works in QA, you know, the one obsessed with Babylon 5, that guy, for an interesting and informative interview." If you really can't remember, just squiggle something illegible, or squash a bug on that part of the page. Either way.
• Really personal photos - Show them the whole package, as it were. Companies like to know what they're getting. If you can do any special tricks, like things with little weights, include a video.

Negotiating the Offer

They've made the offer. Here's how you handle it.

• Reject the first offer - Nobody ever opens with their best offer. They'll always go up by about 4k if you hit them right.
• Hit them right - Preferably with a length of 2x4. Some prefer the more solid heft of 2x6, but I like the maneuverability of 2x4.
• If all else fails, point out that the whole blowing up cars thing could easily be applied to the cars of certain family members.
• Don't be afraid to reject their offer completely - You read my blog, which means you're already vastly more happening than the squizillions of mouth breathers who would rather visit someone else's blog. Write to me and I'll send you a complimentary bag of airline peanuts or something.

By following these steps you've pretty much guaranteed yourself an offer of at least 715k. Hey, they don't call us Mercenary Words for nothing.

LM

PS. We're out of regular Diet Coke here at Penetrode, Inc. I'm forced to drink the vanilla flavored swill. The day begins poorly.