Mercenary Mailbag

Here at Mercenary Words we get a lot of mail from our readers. Seamus, the intern, reads and responds to each letter. Often he encloses an 8X10 color glossy of me, Lance Manion. Unfortunately, he's also begun signing them, "Look at me, I'm Lance Manion, the great Haggis face who won't bleeding pay the interns. I'm a bloody great poofter! Nancy boy! Nancy boy!" So we're looking for a new intern.

I'm a bloody great poofter! Nancy boy! Nancy boy!

As a result, I've been forced to start reading and responding to our extensive email. Rather than answer the mail and write a post, I'm taking the opportunity to do both, right here.

Dear Lance,
I read your post about Marmite, and I hope you know that it's the greatest thing ever, and I'm coming to your house to jam an extra large jar right up [edited for space]
Edward C. Pumberton, Chumblebottom on Swivvensleigh

Thanks for writing Ed. We depend on feedback from readers like you to create a quality product that's both entertaining and informative. And I live two doors down from a cop. Who's tried Marmite. And he's looking for a little payback. So bring it.

Dear Lance,
Is your name really Lance Manion? Or is it an homage to an episode of Cheers where Sam Malone uses it as an alias to conceal a groin injury?
Bethany Morrow, Duluth

Absolutely Bethany, Absolutely.

Hey Butthead,
I found your site because I was googling for weasel spirit totems, and I think it's reprehensible that you would mock an ancient and noble tradition with your stupid cockroach totem. Your blog is stupid and you should be ashamed.
Edwina Hatch, San Diego

And I think you should be ashamed for belittling the noble cockroach. Before the white man came to this country, they thundered in might herds across the landscape. They were nearly wiped out during the westward expansion, when the cockroach antennae became fashionable in ladies' hats. Only now are they finally recovering. I'll show you who's stupid!

Dear Lance,
Your blog is awesome! I read it every day. Even when you don't post, I still read other things that you've written. One thing. Please don't mention how I got a little toasted on burgundy last night and insisted on voting 12 times for Carrie on American Idol. Bo Bice must be stopped, but it's a little embarrassing.
Mrs. Manion

Thanks sweetie. You rock too. Your secret is safe with me.

Dear Lance,
We are somewhat concerned that the release notes project is two weeks behind and your last status meeting update consisted of "Dude, look at the words, man, look at the words!" while you giggled uncontrollably. Our QA department complains about constant smoke and loud bubbling sounds coming from your cube. We trust that we will not have to involve HR.
Management

Well, looks like we're going to have to cut things short today. Thanks for dropping by. As always keep that mail a-coming.

LM