Le Mot Juste

It's French, and translates roughly as, "The right word." The reason I mention it, is I was watching SWAT last night. It was the climax of the movie as Officer LL Cool J was arresting the head bad guy. The baddie is lying on the ground, rolls over and is looking straight up the barrel of Officer Cool J's submachine gun. Officer Cool J looks at the baddie and says "Tell Daddy how you want it."

"Tell Daddy how you want it."

This moment was somewhat of an epiphany for me. I then realized that at some point in my life, I'm going to kick some butt and need to say a catchy line that will guarantee my literary immortality. I spent the rest of my weekend going over great butt kicking lines, trying to find the quintessence, the sine qua non, the squelmious umberling, if you will (okay, I made the last one up), that makes these men and their lines so great.

My big influences were the following:

• "Son of a bitch must pay" Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China. So many great lines, it's hard to pick just one. Jack Burton had more macho than a man with four testicles. Big time.
• "We could dust off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, Colonial Marine Corp, Aliens. Never, ever, screw with a man who's willing to casually use nuclear weapons.
• "Say hello to my little friend!" Tony Montana, Scarface. Coked out of his mind as his world collapsed, Tony still had the presence of mind to sound badass. Would that we all were so cool.
  

So based on that, I've started putting together a list of quips that I can use in various situations. Appropriateness is key. It would be seriously embarrassing to have a great line about nuking someone from orbit, but if you don't have a drop ship, you're just going to look stupid.
So I've assembled a binder, indexed by subject and situation. When the time comes, I just flip to the page and let 'er rip. Here's few gems:

• "This toad's going to lick YOU!" Because someday I might have to go undercover and infiltrate a gang of hallucinogenic toad smugglers.
• "I'd hate to have your dry cleaning bill." Sometimes justice gets messy. I'm just saying.
• "Now THAT'S a wedgie." If I ever have to fight a gang of nerds, this one will be key.
• "Make a bong out of THIS, hippy!" I'm not afraid to fight hippies. I'm not looking for it, but if happens, I'm ready.
• "Get ready to fill your Depends, Grandpa!" I'm also not afraid to fight the elderly. I figure there's a population that's wide open for some street justice.
• "Or maybe that's the smell of justice!" I figure once I get all famous, I'll need a signature cologne, like Britney and J. Lo. Product placement is key.

So there you go. Whatever's next, I'm ready. I've got a binder.

LM