Jobs That Don't Appear on My Resume
Okay people. I'm running on far too little sleep, and far too much caffeine. When I got in this morning, I pretty much dunked a straw in the coffee pot and washed it down with a handful of espresso beans.
Why do I tell you this? Mostly because I suspect it means that we'll be casting our usually low standards for coherence to the winds. And I'll be twitching more than usual. Though my record for twitching is still held by the night that I drank 15 shots of espresso. I really need to learn that if one of something is good, that doesn't automatically make drinking fifteen of them into a smart move. And that's a truth that applies to both espresso, Jaeger shots, and dried fruit.
In the mean time, I'm too tired to make something up, so I'll just write some stuff about myself and the various jobs that I've held that don't appear on my resume anymore - a topic of endless fascination for all of you, I'm sure.
1. Shopping Cart Retrieval Technician, "Jerry's King of Meats" Yes, that's really the name of the store. The worst part was when I had to dress up as the "Sausage Prince" and wave to passing cars. They went out of business shortly after I quit.
2. Cash Register Drone, "Caldors" I was your basic register monkey. Caldors went out of business shortly after I quit.
3. Beach Concessioneer "Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island" This was a good job. I sold suntan lotion on the biggest guido beach in Rhode Island. It was great. These guys would get a macho thing going over who could use the lowest SPF, until they were all out there basting themselves with baby oil. I ran the over/under on burn ward admissions. Unfortunately I was fired before I could drive them out of business.
4. Print Technician "Jay Printing" This job was pretty uneventful, but for two things. I was high on waste ink fumes most of the time, and I accidentally destroyed $30,000 worth of paper stock by spraying it with toxic waste. They have since gone out of business.
5. Shipping Technician "Kaman Industrial Technologies" This was a fun job. I put stuff in boxes and shipped them. I was buddies with the UPS guy. I listened to the radio. Any job that involves unlimited styrofoam noodles and bubble wrap is a good time. Incredibly, they are still in business.
6. Site Laborer "Dacon Construction" What does a degree in English prepare you for? Manual labor! I moved heavy things all day for next to no pay. Not my proudest moment. Dacon is still around. Clearly I'd lost my kiss of death at this point.
7. Associate "Circuit City" I sold stereo equipment. I lived the commissioned sales life. Not a good time. On the plus side, I can talk home theater with best. Eventually I quit to go to grad school. And Circuit City is now in dire financial straits. Another one bites the dust!
Bwah, ha, ha!
LM
Why do I tell you this? Mostly because I suspect it means that we'll be casting our usually low standards for coherence to the winds. And I'll be twitching more than usual. Though my record for twitching is still held by the night that I drank 15 shots of espresso. I really need to learn that if one of something is good, that doesn't automatically make drinking fifteen of them into a smart move. And that's a truth that applies to both espresso, Jaeger shots, and dried fruit.
In the mean time, I'm too tired to make something up, so I'll just write some stuff about myself and the various jobs that I've held that don't appear on my resume anymore - a topic of endless fascination for all of you, I'm sure.
1. Shopping Cart Retrieval Technician, "Jerry's King of Meats" Yes, that's really the name of the store. The worst part was when I had to dress up as the "Sausage Prince" and wave to passing cars. They went out of business shortly after I quit.
2. Cash Register Drone, "Caldors" I was your basic register monkey. Caldors went out of business shortly after I quit.
3. Beach Concessioneer "Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island" This was a good job. I sold suntan lotion on the biggest guido beach in Rhode Island. It was great. These guys would get a macho thing going over who could use the lowest SPF, until they were all out there basting themselves with baby oil. I ran the over/under on burn ward admissions. Unfortunately I was fired before I could drive them out of business.
4. Print Technician "Jay Printing" This job was pretty uneventful, but for two things. I was high on waste ink fumes most of the time, and I accidentally destroyed $30,000 worth of paper stock by spraying it with toxic waste. They have since gone out of business.
5. Shipping Technician "Kaman Industrial Technologies" This was a fun job. I put stuff in boxes and shipped them. I was buddies with the UPS guy. I listened to the radio. Any job that involves unlimited styrofoam noodles and bubble wrap is a good time. Incredibly, they are still in business.
6. Site Laborer "Dacon Construction" What does a degree in English prepare you for? Manual labor! I moved heavy things all day for next to no pay. Not my proudest moment. Dacon is still around. Clearly I'd lost my kiss of death at this point.
7. Associate "Circuit City" I sold stereo equipment. I lived the commissioned sales life. Not a good time. On the plus side, I can talk home theater with best. Eventually I quit to go to grad school. And Circuit City is now in dire financial straits. Another one bites the dust!
Bwah, ha, ha!
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 12:04 PM
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