Ya, Ve Haf Dat in Germany
Back in the day, when I worked in London as a professional balloon animal maker, I used to dread many things. Screaming children, balloons that snapped back into your eye, terrorist bombs, that kind of thing. But there was one thing I dreaded more than anything else - German tourists.
Now don't get me wrong. I ran into plenty of American tourists that had me ready to declare Canadian citizenship. One woman from Long Island wearing all leopard print clothes still makes me wake up screaming. But it was the German tourists that killed me.
They typically dressed all in black. And they'd look at you like you were a monkey that had just learned a vaguely amusing trick. No matter what I did, they'd look bored and say something to the effect of "Ya, das ist nice, but ve haf somesing better in Germany." At first I just assumed I was running into a group of bad will ambassadors, but after six months, I realized it wasn't just coincidence.
I could have produced a cure for cancer that both freshened the air and removed upholstery stains, and they would have told me that the German version also played soothing music.
The real low came when I made the starship Enterprise out of one balloon (I can do this! Really!) and Klaus & Co. asked me if I had a song that I was supposed to sing as I made the balloons. I responded that I had something even better - personal dignity. I don't think they got it.
It got to the point that I wanted to do something outrageous just to shake their composure. I decided to whip it out and pee on their shoes. But then I realized that they'd just say, "Ya, ve also haf surly street performers who pee unt ze people. But in Germany ze performers pee mit more vigor, unt haf much larger schnitzens. Zey also make ze mit der inzightful political commentary, too."
And I can't handle that kind of pressure.
Someday I'm going to Germany. And whatever they show me or bring me, I'm going to tell them that it's disgusting, and that we have a better version in the United States. Then I'm going to pee on their street performers. Just to see.
LM
Now don't get me wrong. I ran into plenty of American tourists that had me ready to declare Canadian citizenship. One woman from Long Island wearing all leopard print clothes still makes me wake up screaming. But it was the German tourists that killed me.
They typically dressed all in black. And they'd look at you like you were a monkey that had just learned a vaguely amusing trick. No matter what I did, they'd look bored and say something to the effect of "Ya, das ist nice, but ve haf somesing better in Germany." At first I just assumed I was running into a group of bad will ambassadors, but after six months, I realized it wasn't just coincidence.
I could have produced a cure for cancer that both freshened the air and removed upholstery stains, and they would have told me that the German version also played soothing music.
The real low came when I made the starship Enterprise out of one balloon (I can do this! Really!) and Klaus & Co. asked me if I had a song that I was supposed to sing as I made the balloons. I responded that I had something even better - personal dignity. I don't think they got it.
It got to the point that I wanted to do something outrageous just to shake their composure. I decided to whip it out and pee on their shoes. But then I realized that they'd just say, "Ya, ve also haf surly street performers who pee unt ze people. But in Germany ze performers pee mit more vigor, unt haf much larger schnitzens. Zey also make ze mit der inzightful political commentary, too."
And I can't handle that kind of pressure.
Someday I'm going to Germany. And whatever they show me or bring me, I'm going to tell them that it's disgusting, and that we have a better version in the United States. Then I'm going to pee on their street performers. Just to see.
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 11:24 AM
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