Savage Love Monkeys
This morning I decided that I'm not doing enough to help other people feel good about themselves. Now you're probably saying, "But Lance, you hate other people. Your dream is to crush them under your iron boot heel once you become supreme overlord of the galaxy."
And that's true. But it doesn't mean I am not occaisionally filled with the desire to be nice to people. True cruelty requires an element of capriciousness. So today I decided to refer to all of my coworkers as "Savage Love Monkeys" I know that I would be happy if someone called me a savage love monkey.
So I opened every conversation with "Hey (coworker name), you savage love monkey." And when that look that says, "Has Manion finally snapped?" crossed their faces, I knew that I'd made their day a little brighter.
Unfortunately, many of my coworkers are not native English speakers. For example, this morning I said, "Hey Dharmender, you savage love monkey...". Dharmender was confused, to say the least.
My first attempt at explaining things was to use Babelfish. Unfortunately, Babelfish produced things like "Ape of barbaric sex," which totally did not help my already tenuous relationship with HR. Further attempts produced "Monkey with abusive genitals" and lastly "Merciless wrench of desire."
And so the concept of savage love monkey took a great deal of additional explaining involving visual aids, spreadsheets, and shadow puppets. The shadow puppets weren't really necessary, but I like shadow puppets.
So now coworkers are coming over to my cube just to be called savage love monkeys, except for the non-native speakers, who have begun filing a class action suit. Such is often the case is my world.
LM
And that's true. But it doesn't mean I am not occaisionally filled with the desire to be nice to people. True cruelty requires an element of capriciousness. So today I decided to refer to all of my coworkers as "Savage Love Monkeys" I know that I would be happy if someone called me a savage love monkey.
So I opened every conversation with "Hey (coworker name), you savage love monkey." And when that look that says, "Has Manion finally snapped?" crossed their faces, I knew that I'd made their day a little brighter.
Unfortunately, many of my coworkers are not native English speakers. For example, this morning I said, "Hey Dharmender, you savage love monkey...". Dharmender was confused, to say the least.
My first attempt at explaining things was to use Babelfish. Unfortunately, Babelfish produced things like "Ape of barbaric sex," which totally did not help my already tenuous relationship with HR. Further attempts produced "Monkey with abusive genitals" and lastly "Merciless wrench of desire."
And so the concept of savage love monkey took a great deal of additional explaining involving visual aids, spreadsheets, and shadow puppets. The shadow puppets weren't really necessary, but I like shadow puppets.
So now coworkers are coming over to my cube just to be called savage love monkeys, except for the non-native speakers, who have begun filing a class action suit. Such is often the case is my world.
LM
posted by Lance Manion at 12:34 PM
2 Comments:
When non-native speakers (I call them "British") were confused by something I had said, they usually decided that it was something stupid since I'm American and not really worth the effort to understand.
Or they could see that I was wall hugging drunk and laughed at my cries for help and a Moist Towelette.
The British have been weakened by centuries of inbreeding and weak tea.
Still, they were willing to be cruel to a drunk person, and that's the sort of thing I respect.
I hope you eventually got your towelette.
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