Snack Pack, Bitches!

I was just in the kitchen here at Penetrode. Someone had purchased a box of "Snack Pack Big Cups". But because it was on its side, I briefly thought it read, "Snack Pack, Bitches!"

And when I double checked, I was deeply disappointed. I think it would be great if there were a product called Snack Pack, Bitches! It would be just a small part of the whole "...,Bitches" line. It could be like Newman's Own, but more ghetto. Instead of Newman's Own Popcorn, we'd have Popcorn, Bitches! But it is not to be. The world isn't ready for Food, Bitches! I am disappointed again.

This incident reminded me of another great disappointment. Pull up a chair and prepare to hear about Jim's tremendous Aliens disappointment.

I was walking through the touristy district between Leicester Square and Picadilly Circus with my roomies, Amandarama and Fightguy. And standing in front of a building were two men dressed as Colonial Marines. Being big fans of the movie Aliens, we walked over to see what was up.

"What's this?" we asked.

"It's a new attraction called Alien War," one of the marines explained. "It uses some of the sets from Aliens and Alien 3. You get to go through and experience the movie first hand."

"Do we get pulse rifles?" I asked, half joking.

"We don't have the permits yet for rifles, but we do have handguns," he replied.

Suddenly, I had an erection like never before. Finally, I would have my dream of locking, loading, and handing out xenomorph ass on a personal basis. In my mind I was already warming up my favorite lines, "Let's rock!" "Yeah you want some of this? Yeah? You too?" and "They mostly come out at night. Mostly."

And yet, before I whipped anything out (wallet or otherwise) I knew I had to make sure. Somehow it seemed too good to be true. And also likely to result in the deaths of hundreds of customers.

"So," I asked, hoping against hope, "If we buy tickets, you'll give each of us a handgun with live ammunition and let us blast away at Aliens?"

"Oh, no!" Said the marine, "We use blanks..."

Blanks, I thought. Well, that's probably a lot safer. It might still be worth doing...

And then the other marine chimed in, "...and only the actors get to handle the guns. Participants play the role of colonists."

I was crushed. Colonists? Colonist makes the role of red shirt look like a good career decision. I didn't want to be a colonist! I wanted scream epithets while blindly firing a machine gun and practicing appalling gun safety.

So we left. Sadder but wiser. What kind of world is this where tourist attractions don't involve live ammunition and handguns? Answer - a pretty damn depressing place. And I can't even drown my sorrows in Beer, Bitches!

LM

Spawn of Manion

4/14/06, Quinn Mackenna Manion was born. She's 7 lbs 4 oz, 20 inches long, and as deadly as she is beautiful.

LM

Altitude Sickness, or "I'm pretty sure that squid's not real"

Once upon a time I went out to visit Mrs. Manion's family in Colorado. They live near Castle Rock, in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. I'm more of a sea level kind of guy myself.
The trip started poorly. My flight left at 6 AM. Being an idiot, I decided, "You know, if I'm going to have to get up at 3 AM to get to the airport, I'm just going to push through and have an all nighter."

So I was already pretty zonked when the plane touched down in Denver. I compensated by chugging lots of Diet Coke. Unfortunately, the caffeine in Diet Coke, while a stimulant (all hail caffeine), is also a diuretic, so it dries you out.

So what do we have so far?

• dehydration
• fatigue
• reduced O2

So I'm in Colorado, and Mrs. Manion and I decide to visit Seven Falls, pushing us up around 8,000 feet. I'm not feeling real well, but I hate to disappoint, so I press on.

At this point, I'm feeling a woozy, but I'm okay. I think. I start having a conversation with Mrs. Manion, who then says, "Who are you talking to?"

"You," I answer.

"But I didn't say anything," she says.

Then I know that not all is well at Lance Manion HQ. But I don't want to alarm her. So we keep driving around. And out the passenger side window I see a squid with a taco stand. And I think, "I've never been to Colorado. It's entirely possible that they have giant squids that own and operate taco stands." And then I think, "It's also possible that I'm severely fucked up."

So we get to Seven Falls. It's very nice. A network of waterfalls in among the mountains. There are some pictures of us there. I look like like my name should be Smokey McPot. We hang there for a while and get ready to drive home.

Did I mention that I'm the one driving? Well, yeah. It's my rental car. I'm not letting some hallucinations get in my way.

So we drive home. The challenge is figuring what's real and what's not. So I evaluate everything I hear against whether or not it sounds like something that might really happen. I did pretty well. Sure there were some non sequitors, and I ran a few red lights that turned out to be real after all, but that tends to happen with me.

We made it home okay, and I passed out for a while. I still regret not trying the squid tacos though.

LM

Excellent!

I'm kind of stoked today. Mercenary Words got a hit from someone in San Dimas, California. That's right! San Dimas, home of Ted "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

These two fine gentlemen were founding members of one of the all time great rock bands (Wyld Stallyns) and heroes of one of the best 80's comedies, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Why was it excellent? Not only because it rocked, but because it also featured my favorite Go-Go, Jane Wiedlin. Plus I once scored while playing the Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure soundtrack on my CD player.

So why does a hard-rockin' ass-kickin' guy like Lance Manion (the kind of guy who has what it takes to refer to himself in the third person) enjoy the Go-Go's? Because they partied harder and did more coke by 9 AM than I will by... um... well... anyway, the Go-Go's partied hard and rocked out. And Jane (the one with the green hair on the right) was the cutest of the lot. I was crushed when I saw her on Rock and Roll Jeopardy and it turned out that she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. But still pretty damn perky.


Anyway, the most exotic hit I got before this was some guy from Luxembourg. Luxembourg is the country with the motto "Mir wëlle bleiwe wat mir sinn" - translation - "We ripped our flag off from France." On the plus side, friends of mine tell me that Luxembourg makes some kick-ass beer, so I suppose it balances out.

I'd have given a shout out to my Luxembourgian visitor, but then residents of all the other independent grand duchies in the world would want shout outs, and frankly I don't have that kind of time.

So in conclusion, "San Dimas high school football rules!"

LM

Mental Note

Yes, today it's a Mercenary Words twofer!

Anyway, I listen to music on my headphones a lot at work. The headphones plug directly into my laptop. When I go to a meeting, I put the laptop in sleep mode, unplug the 'phones, and bring it to the meeting.

Anyway, note to self - Remember to shut down the mp3 player before unplugging the 'phones and waking up the computer. Forgetting to do this results in the executive committee hearing the tail end of Travis Tritt's "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)" at maximum volume.

FYI, the executive committee is more of an adult contemporary crowd. If only I had some Sarah Maclachlan. Sad.

LM

Lance in Translation

So today I've been working the translation of my books. It sounds all glamorous. "Hey, Lance, we'd like to translate your books in Japanese!"

If anyone ever gives you the choice between translation and being repeatedly punched in the nut sack (female readers will have to use their imaginations here), take the nut punching.

Seriously. There are few things more painful that going through over 1000 pages of documentation sorting out the little changes (ooh! I added a / on page 26) from the stuff that doesn't matter (like page numbers changing). There are some tools that can automate things, but it's painful no matter how you cut it.

All I know is now I've at least got justification for drinking heavily.

LM